May 162018
 

I guess the way to start is to just jump right in and not sugar coat any of this. I think that is part of the problem with the Internet and social media in general. So, much of life gets white washed or “social media washed.” Our posts on Facebook are usually our best posts. They are the ones when something good has happened – a great meal, a reward of some kind, a birthday, a holiday etc. Rarely, do we post the truth. Even the selfies we post are of our best angle. We don’t post about how we bumped another car in the parking lot and didn’t leave a note. Even our dog photos are the cute ones not the ones where they are tracking mud on the white carpet…unless, they are being cute while doing it. If we post bad things it is an effort to get some kind of reaction. In essence, those types of phishing posts aren’t truthful either because we aren’t asking for what we really want. With that, I am going to start on my new journey with some truths.

The beginning of February, I wasn’t feeling my best. I was tired and felt bloated and awful. We had spent the previous few weeks grieving for our sweet dog, Cassie, who we had said our final goodbye to on January 19. It had been 3 weeks of “Eat–ALL-the–THINGS” especially if they were filled with carbs and were delicious. This was after 5 weeks of the roller coaster of thinking we could save our dog, only to find out on the day before we said goodbye, that it was a futile (and expensive) attempt. The things I ate to smooth the grief were certainly not nutritious. Delicious? Yes. Nutrient dense? Nope.

So, on February 5, 2018, I started a new way of eating. I know some people who know me will think this is crazy. I have spent so many years being The Fat Girl. How in the world can I diet that away? Well, I am certain that no matter how much dieting I do, I will always be some version of fat. And, that’s okay! I just want to feel and be my healthiest best.

When I was on Oprah, I told her “I love my body!” And, I meant it. I know she was shocked that I could love my body. The truth was I did love that body. When I was on Oprah in January 2002, I told the producers I weighed 335. I lied. I weighed 375 at that time. (My highest weight was 385…)

Something else I haven’t discussed publicly is, in 1998, I was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes. Since then, I have not been someone to not be aware of my blood sugar. Even though I do not take insulin, I do test my blood sugar often. I have always felt, even when not eating my best, that knowledge was a good thing. Kind of silly in some ways though “Yup, my blood sugar is high.

Amazing to see this number after a meal

Must have been that bowl of white rice I just ate…” Over the years, I have been on different oral medications and have been religious about seeing my physician for preventative care and maintenance. I am happy to say that my last report from the doctor visit in February was amazing with no evidence of any secondary issues from being a diabetic. I will be very curious to see what my blood work looks like after I go for my quarterly check up in June.

 

In the past, when I have eaten low carb, my doctor has said, it’s a great way to eat but that it’s not sustainable. I think that’s one of the mantras that physicians say. They are either for it or against it but they all say it’s not sustainable and that once you stop you will gain back all the weight you have lost. Well, sure. Isn’t that the case with any diet? If you stop and go back to old bad habits then you gain weight. It’s kind of simple math actually. I don’t need an MD after my name to know that.

Here are the truth bombs, if you haven’t already surmised them:

  • I am a Type II diabetic
  • My highest weight was 385
  • I’m going to be 52 in June (which I didn’t mention but have tried to hide from the world. As if, I’m going to be cast as a 22 year old in the next Avenger film…)
  • I am eating a Ketogenic diet – super low carb…

What I can also say is on February 5th, when I started this new way of eating I weighed 313. (I think that’s what I weighed when I got married in 2004…) The last time I weighed myself was last Saturday and I weighed in at 285. Then my husband hid the scale. I had asked him to hide it and have regretted it since. All the years of dieting, even though I am happy in my skin, messed with my head. The number on the scale is an unhealthy way of looking at one’s physical successes. (Don’t get me started on what I think about BMI and how I firmly believe it’s faulty science and quackery and partly to blame for the body issues and body dysmorphia we have in our country…but I digress)

May 11th, 2018 at the gym

We also joined (or rejoined) the gym in February. We had gone in the past but just didn’t keep it up. It’s so easy to get lazy and complacent about going to the gym. Hell, about anything in life. It’s WAY easier to boil water and cook a bag of pasta and toss it with butter (and eat it out of the pot) than it is to make Zucchini noodles. It’s a hell of a lot easier to sit on my couch and not go to the gym too. But not going to the gym will not fulfill on my desire to live a healthy life.

Another thing, I will never demonize or judge or shame fat people. EVER! When I said to Oprah, “I love my body!” I did mean it. This is the body I have. Bigger or smaller this is the body I have right now. It has been quite a ride so far and this body has taken me to some amazing places – literally and figuratively. I know the hardships of my size and the joys of my size. I know other people are living wonderful fat lives and they should do what brings them joy. I will NOT ever tell someone they NEED to lose weight or eat a certain way or that they shouldn’t eat something. Everyone has their own path and everyone has their own struggles. For some, this is NOT a struggle or an issue for them.

With all of this said, I am going to blog and vlog and photograph this journey I’m on. I’m going to be honest. I’m not going to hide the bumps in the road along the way. I don’t have a goal weight. I think that’s a dangerous and slippery slope. I will weigh again before I see my doctor in June so, I can have an informed conversation with him about my progress towards being my healthiest best self.

And, I don’t know how long I will do this either. It’s a day-by-day adventure. There are no rules. Except for the rules of eating Keto. Yes, there will be some that say I’m “Lazy” because I don’t track everything I put in my mouth or that I’m doing a “dirty” version of Keto because I may use a sugar free sweetener that’s not “approved.” To those people, and anyone else who thinks that, I have choice words for you…really, there is NOTHING lazy about what I am doing right now. Learning new ways of being and breaking old habits and adding new behaviors takes effort. It also has its rewards. It is taking something for me to eat this way and for me to go to the gym 5 days a week. Who am I?!

 

PS.  Look for me on Instagram as @yet_another_fork_in_the_road  There will be pictures and updates there that won’t necessarily make it to this blog.  And, I will be moving this part of my blog to a new website soon as well…

 

 

Sep 202017
 

some•day

adverb

at some time in the future. one of these days, at a future date, sooner or later

 

What if you wake up tomorrow and it is SOMEDAY?  What do you want to do?  Who do you want to call?  Who do you want to write? What do you want to eat?  Where do you want to go? What do you want to say?

The last thing my very dear childhood friend Michael said to me was, “Maybe someday I will just drop by…Hee Hee” He passed away shortly after that message to me 2 years ago.  I still fantasize that he will just drop by.  I still look for him everywhere I go.  I still check my messenger to see if maybe, just maybe, he has read my messages back to him and he isn’t really gone.

Facebook is notorious for reminding you of the “somedays” you have missed.  Facebook still reminds me to ask another friend of mine, who passed away a couple of years ago, to play a particular game with me.  Or it will say, “your friend Bob plays this game” Really?  He’s playing a game on FB?! Why hasn’t he called?! I want to play ALL of these games with him.  I want to call him and talk about games like we used to.  I want to talk to him about everything!  But I can’t.

Then, the other day, Cat Oake, who I had met in person only a handful of times but had her in my sphere of life for close to 20 years, and considered her a friend, passed away suddenly.  (Isn’t that an odd term…saying someone “passed away suddenly”  Isn’t it always “sudden”?  Even when it’s “expected” it’s still sudden.  It’s just the end.) I am reminded of all the things I didn’t say to her but wanted to.  I am reminded of all the times I won’t have with her.  I am reminded of all the times she won’t have.  I am reminded of how much she meant to so many.  I am also reminded of her remarkable legacy and the difference she made in so many people’s lives – the difference she will continue to make!

Think about it.  What are you waiting for?  Who do you want to call?  What are you putting off doing?  Who needs to hear from you?  What’s on your “someday” list?  Who do you need to forgive? Who needs an apology? Don’t wait – because SOMEDAY is always RIGHT NOW and so is SUDDENLY.

Jul 012015
 

not_headless

Why is it still okay to make fun of fat people?  And, why am I shocked that it is still so prevalent?

A father of a friend of mine, who happens to be a Facebook friend, posted a scathing article about flying next to a fat person.  He then commented about the horror of sitting in your seat watching a fat person approach and that feeling of pleading that they don’t sit next to him.  It was a terrible article and an even nastier comment.  Rather than call him out publicly, I sent him a private message.  In that message, I explained that I am that person.  I am the fat woman squeezing down the aisle of the plane.  I am the person who is nervous that I am not going to have enough room and more importantly, I am the person who is concerned about disturbing someone else.  I wanted to let him know that the person walking towards him has feelings and underneath their size has a heart that’s breaking.  I wanted to give the headless fat person a face.

The other day, I was figuratively punched in the gut when, I was poking around Facebook.  Someone had posted a video of a fat woman wriggling into a pair of jeans.  She was, of course, headless and faceless (as most fat people are when they are being “exposed” like they are on the news or in the “don’t” section of fashion magazines.)  As I watched the video a couple of things came to mind.  First, I thought it was amazing how she was able to maneuver herself into pants that were clearly too small.  Second, I thought, “that could almost be me…but I think I may be larger…”  Then, mistakenly, I read the comments.  Why was I shocked at how heartless and cruel the comments were? me_pool

The comments section, on most posts, is for people who don’t have the courage to say things in life.  The comment section tends to bring out the absolute worst in people.

So, here I am sitting in my house reading that my “friend” finds this woman disgusting and is laughing about it and saying, “Ewwww.”   I am left with two questions, “Is she disgusted by me? “ and “Why am I friends with this person?!”

I personally have been oinked at while walking in a mall.  I have had people yell pejoratives to me out of car windows.  Often times, in stores and in restaurants I will find people staring at me and giving me the up and down look as if I can’t see them.

Statistics show that of overweight teens (and I loathe the term overweight as it implies a correct weight and someone is over that weight…) 24% of boys and 30% of girls are subject to some sort of bullying because of their size.  I have seen some statistics that show upwards of 60% of elementary school kids are more likely to be teased because of their size.  There have also been an alarming number of childhood suicides because of this horrible practice.  How many fat kids have to kill themselves before we stop?

Why do we continue to tell fat people that they need to change when we don’t tell the bullies to?

Maybe instead of the War on Obesity we should have a War on Hate.  Maybe we should just stop waging war altogether.

Unlike what the news portrays, people of size do have heads and faces and hearts.  So, stop making fun of us.  Stop judging us.  Just stop it!!