Oct 262010
 

Today is October 25th, the anniversary of the day I broke up with an ex-boyfriend and tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I finally met my husband in person.  Dates are funny.  Not in a magical way.  Dates are like smells in the memories they invoke.  I remember the day I broke up with my ex-boyfriend distinctly.  It was a Sunday.  We had gone downtown to Chinatown for Dim Sum.  The place he wanted to go was closed for a private party so, we wandered around downtown trying to find a place.  By the time we found a Dim Sum place it was filled with people and there was a line.  He got upset.  Clearly, he had issues that had nothing to do with not getting a pork bao and a chicken foot.  I was upset that he was upset.  We walked back to the car in silence.  Then in the car we started arguing about something or other.  I remember taking off the silver rolling ring he had bought me on a fun trip down to Tijuana to have lunch and buy contraband freon for an old car he was working on, and I threw it at him and said, “Maybe we should just break up!!”  The words hung in the air.  A moment later he turned to me and said, “Okay.”  We drove to Canter’s where we had soup and cried.

The following year, John, my now husband, and I started talking on line and then on the phone.  He came to visit me for the first time on October 26th.  At the time I was taking part in a documentary about 4 women of size and their lives.  The camera crew came with me to pick John up at LAX.  The moment we saw each other, for the first time, in the flesh, was captured on film.  We showed that snippet of film at our wedding reception.

Today is just another day.  Days lately seem like just another day.  I lost my job with the accounting firm a little over a year ago.  It was a job, I thought I was good at. But everyday I would drive home from there deflated and sad that that was the job I was doing.  It wasn’t the people.  Okay, it was one of them.  But it wasn’t really the people or the work.  I like accounting.  It just wasn’t what I moved to LA to do.  Every day I would drive home in that ridiculous 101 commute wearing grown up clothes and feeling miserable. When I was “let go” I was sad and frustrated and yet I felt an overwhelming sense of relief and freedom.  That is, once I stopped crying.

sausageA year ago today I was in Amsterdam.  I had paid for my ticket less than a week before I got “let go.”   It was an amazing trip.  I felt inspired and alive when I was there.  When I was home, I continued to feel inspired.  It is an inspiring place.   On this day a year ago I was in a farmer’s market with my sister and brother-in-law.  The sausage guys started singing a Mamas and Papas song and called me Mama Cass.

I know it’s silly.  Nothing has changed in the year.  I weigh the same as I did last year.  My hair is a bit darker.  Financially, I know I need to work and soon.  But I read an article in the LA Times about unemployment and how a woman applied for a job where there were four openings and 2000 people had submitted applications.  It seems so bleak.  And, worse, I wouldn’t want that job.

I have had some great auditions this year.  And, in a sense, it feels like when you are looking at a slot machine and you almost win.  There is that excitement but there are no bells and no money in your pocket.

I remember a long time ago talking to a friend who was unhappy about some things in her life.  I told her, “you have shitty circumstances but you aren’t your circumstances!”  That is kind of how I feel.  Only all of my circumstances aren’t shitty.  And, all of my situations aren’t shitty either.  It really is bits and pieces.  My great husband just came home and I am cooking dinner.  I am fortunate to have a great husband and I am fortunate to have dinner to cook in my apartment.

There is part of me that just knows it isn’t time to quit yet.  I know there is a lot of acting and writing left in my future.  I know I will make money doing what I love.

New Amsterdam to Old Amsterdam

 Trip to Amsterdam  Comments Off on New Amsterdam to Old Amsterdam
Oct 212009
 

I arrived in New Amsterdam yesterday morning.   Tuesday morning rather.   I am a bit confused on what time or day it is.   The redeye was crazy from LAX to JFK.   It was supposed to be “wide open” and it wasn’t.   Lots of last minute travelers got on that flight.   So, my stand   by for Business Class ticket rapidly turned into a coach ticket.   Luckily, the gate agent took pity on me and left the seat next to me open so I didn’t   have to squeeze.   The flight was on a Boeing 757.   Those are particularly long planes but not generous in width.   I did look at the bathroom on board and decided it would be best to just wait the 6 hours.   It was fine.   The flight attendant graciously brought me a seatbelt extender and we were on our way.   I didn’t sleep much on that flight.   The seat in front of me was barely inches away from me.   I was fortunate that no one was sitting in the seat in front of me so I didn’t have someone’s head pressed against my belly for the flight.   The snack was pretzels, or peanuts or cookies.   I had club soda.

We landed in NY at 7:30.   I wandered around the terminal for a little while.   I found a food court and got a little breakfast and a bottle of water and planted myself.   I made some calls.   Then I realized somewhere along the way I lost a prescription.   It is possible I left it at home but it is also likely I left it on the plane when I was searching my bag for something else.   I went to the Delta customer service desk.   They called the gate to find out the plane I had been on had already left for San Francisco.   If the meds were left on the plane it is doubtful I will ever see them again.   I then went to the Delta SkyClub and bought a day pass.   It was a lovely place to sit and relax for my very long layover.   I was hoping for a couch or a loveseat so I could have gotten more comfortable but the big chair was fine.   I dozed off and on throughout the day and then got the shuttle from the terminal to the new Delta terminal to catch my international flight.

I did get Business Class from JFK to Old Amsterdam.   It was very nice.   The seats aren’t that wide and the arms don’t move so I did find it to be a snug fit.   I had to get out of the seat to pull out the remote for the TV and I did have to get up to plug in my headset.   But once in the seat it was mostly comfortable.   There is at least 3 feet between the seats so you can recline fully and not be bothered by any other passenger.   There was no one sitting next to me so I was able to use the seat for my purse as well as use the tray for my meals.   I was envious of people who slept on the sides in the chairs.   I suppose I could have figured out the logistics and done it myself but I never did get fully comfortable.

The meals and service in Business Class is night and day from coach.   They brought us menus before we took off and the champagne and beautiful wine choices flowed throughout the flight.   I didn’t drink on the plane as I was so confused and tired from travelling for so long and from not sleeping.   I didn’t want to add alcohol to the mix.   The food choices ranged from crab cakes with pasta to beef tenderloin with lemon risotto.   Amazing!

I think one of the flight attendants thought I was pregnant.   I was sitting in my seat with my arms folded over my belly.   As she walked by she patted my hands and said something in a very sweet tone.

We landed at 5:25a this morning, Wednesday.   We taxied for what seemed like an eternity to the gate.   Customs was a breeze here.   They asked why I was here and for how long then stamped my passport.   My luggage was some of the first pieces off as they were the last ones on.   My bags didn’t get on the flight until my stand by seat was approved.   It worked out perfectly.   Then there were two lines to go to.   One was for people with goods to declare and the other was for those with nothing to declare.   There was no one working the line for people with things to declare and no one was there to ask if you really didn’t have anything to declare.   I walked right through with my bags on a cart.   My sister and BIL were on the other side of the door.

From there we took a train to the city and then walked around 10 blocks from the train station to the boat.   It was interesting to be walking in the dark at nearly 7a.   the sun didn’t start to warm the cold sky until around 8a.   Then the sky started to glow a beautiful light pink.   The air this morning was very cold.   It has since warmed up to a lovely 50 degrees.

To say that it is beautiful here is a ridiculous understatement.   It is absolutely breathtaking.   The boat is gorgeous.   We opened the windows on the boat and fed ducks on the canal.   Their cat sits up top in the sun room (what would be the steering room if there was a steering wheel.)   I have taken pictures and will post them over time. We are going to go venture out and do some shopping today.

I am very tired.   I haven’t lied down since Monday morning when I got up at 7a.   It is now noon on Wednesday here which means it is 3a at home.   It is funny to think my husband is home sleeping in our bed and I have already showered and started my day.   I am sure I will sleep like a stone tonight.   I brought my own pillow which will make sleeping anywhere easy.

Let me know if there is anything you would like to know or any pictures you would like to see.

Fat Girl Travels

 Trip to Amsterdam  Comments Off on Fat Girl Travels
Oct 182009
 

When reading other people’s blogs I have often thought of them as self indulgent and arrogant.   I don’t know that mine will be different.   I started thinking what do I have to offer people that would be of any interest.   Besides my upcoming travels to Amsterdam what is it that would make people be interested in what I have to say?   What is it about me that is different?   Uhh, the obvious thing is, as Bob Goen said over and over   again on Entertainment Tonight about me, “…and she weighs over 300 pounds!!”   Yes, I do. It isn’t that miraculous actually.   Honestly, I have lived a pretty charmed life.   Sure I am big but it really hasn’t stopped me…except when it has.   There are things that smaller people never consider and if they do they don’t consider the magnitude of how it would affect someone larger.   For example, airplane bathrooms are very small.   Most people find them to be uncomfortable and cramped.   For me, it is like I am the last sardine in the can, so-to-speak.   Other common considerations in life are restaurant booths, armed chairs, the dentist chair, movie theatre seats, life jackets, roller coasters and my favorite – seat belts.   (Remind me and I will tell the story of the Torrance police officer who pulled me over for not wearing my seat belt years ago…)

While I am excited about this trip to Amsterdam, to see my sister and my BIL, there is for me a level of apprehension and fear (more than the plane falling out of the sky but I have drugs for that.)   You know that feeling when you are all settled in your seat on the airplane and you see the fat girl squeezing down the aisle trying not to hip check any of the passengers she is walking by and you cringe knowing she is going to try and climb over you and squeeze into the seat next to you undoubtedly ooozing some of her copious flesh onto your seat, or leg, or arm?   Well, I’m her.   Believe me, I certainly don’t want to disturb your travels or make your flight any more uncomfortable than it is.   I have in the past bought two seats so as to not disturb anyone.   When I fly with my husband, he doesn’t care that I need a bit of his seat.   But for a stranger it is uncomfortable.   Believe me, I know.

With the airplane seat issue it raises the question of whether or not I am buying a seat to my destination or am I purchasing passage.   There have been a lot of ugly fights in the media about this issue.   People have found themselves at a midway point in their trip when suddenly a gate agent decides they must purchase an additional seat to finish the last leg of their trip.   The rules are rather discretionary.   So, a big guy flying from LAX to JFK with a stop in Chicago may have no problem getting on the first leg of his flights.   He asks for a seatbelt extender and luckily there is an empty middle seat next to him so no one says a word to him.   He flies in comfort to Chicago.   He gets off the plane in Chicago and races to his next gate.   When he arrives and attempts to check in for the 2nd leg of his trip to JFK, the gate agent informs him he must buy a second seat on the plane because the flight is full.   If he doesn’t he can’t carry on to his destination.   But you see, this is an error in logic.   If the flight is full there shouldn’t be an additional seat to purchase.   Ostensibly, he should be stuck in Chicago until there is a flight that has empty seats.   Should he then be forced to purchase an additional seat on a flight with empty seats?   I know when I have purchased two tickets to a destination I was told that if the flight had empty seats they would refund my money for the additional seat purchased.   I don’t know the answer to these questions.   Bigger seats all around?   Bigger seats for larger people?   What about seats with legroom for taller people?   What about a sound proof area for those flying with small children? Obviously, the airline is a business.   They have the right to run their business as they choose.   I also understand an average sized person who already feels cramped in their seat doesn’t want to feel infringed upon by someone else using up what little personal space they have.   It’s a conundrum.   One that I am going to face over the next couple of days and then again in two weeks.     While I doubt I will come up with a solution for this situation that affects all travellers in one way or another it will definitely be an interesting time.   I will keep you all posted.

Oct 162009
 

Since not making my flight to Amsterdam Wednesday night, and now having 3 days before I try again, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to start a blog.   Originally, I was going to keep a daily handwritten journal.   I still may do that.   Old habits die hard.   I figured this would be a great way for family and friends and any interested party to follow my adventure.   This will be the first of many posts.